February, February, we hardly knew ye...and today we say adieu (to yu and yu and yu-uu).
Speaking of Frederic, it reminds me of another Frederic... from The Pirates of Penzance. He was born on February 29th, to his unfortunate consternation; it meant he was indentured to the pirates for 84 years instead of 21.
And, of course, The Pirates of Penzance always reminds me of this.
It's very possible that at the exact moment you are reading this (assuming that anyone other than myself is ever reading this), Road House is playing somewhere on one of your cable channels.
So today we have the Oscars ®. Does anyone else find it strange that millions will spend three hours watching people congratulate each other? I admit I will be there for the red carpet, because I love watching the fashion and loudly cheering anyone who goes bat-guano crazy:
Could anyone other than Cher pull this off?
That is, anyone not in drag?
Bjork...don't ever change.
But seriously, how have we the regular people been duped into watching hours of this? Their lives are so much better than ours. They're already getting paid mucho dinero for playing pretend. And then they have the gall to egregiously flaunt it by patting each other on the back. It's like watching the popular kids in high school award the most popular of their bunch for their ultra-popularity.*
Think about this: when award athletes are lauded for admirable annual performance, those athletes are then asked to compete in all-star games. So I say if we have to watch this self-congratulatory snoozefest, how about the nominated actually have to DO something other than sit and look pretty and feign surprise? How about an impromptu contest, where they have to prove their talent (or lack thereof)? As a child of the Seventies, I know just the perfect kind of competition to emulate: Battle of the Network Stars:
Can you imagine them bringing this back for the Oscars???? Fabulous designers could design team competition outfits. Michael Bay could direct the action sequences (you know sh*t would get blown up). And all of the technical award nominees (you know, the ones we never get to see) could design some of the trials. It would be out of this world.
Speaking of rivers in Egypt....why do I need to believe in FTL speeds? Because I need to believe that one day, a transcontinental trip will only take two seconds.* Think of it....wherever you want to go, there you are.** No getting squished in Economy. No checking bags.*** No circulated air. Visit fifteen places around the world in a single day. The future is awesome!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!
*Yes, I know that the speed of light is @ 300K km/s, and the distance across the continent is @ 4K at most. But come on, you know the airlines would never be that efficient.
** Which reminds me of Chevy Chase...which for no good reason whatsoever reminds me of this:
*** And yet, I bet it still gets lost. Again, airlines :)
alac·ri·ty
noun\ə-ˈla-krə-tē\
Definition of ALACRITY
:promptness in response : cheerful readiness <accepted the invitation with alacrity>
Ok, I get the idea that restaurants serve alcohol (it often takes in a LOT more money than the food). I even get the idea that fast food joints serve alcohol, especially in countries that aren't run by a bunch of Puritans like in the U.S. I can even vaguely understand why some fast food joints in the U.S. serve beer, because nothing adds to a 1500 calorie meal like a healthy 200 calories of beer to wash it all down.
But seriously, wine at White Castle?????? Do I have to wear a sequined ballgown when I sit down to a dozen Sliders, some chicken rings, cheesy fries, and a plastic cup of sassy Moscato? Classy, really really classy.
Somewhere in White Castle's corporate office, a marketing data analyst is falling out of her chair from laughing too hard.
pa·tri·cian
noun\pə-ˈtri-shən\
Definition of PATRICIAN
1
: a member of one of the original citizen families of ancient Rome
2
a: a person of high birth :aristocratb: a person of breeding and cultivation
Call this a stupid question... but what IS the point of Valentine's Day? According to Wikipedia, no one is even sure who the foo St Valentine is! I can get behind the idea of any celebration that involves cake... but if no one can even remember who the dude is, why do we even call it after him????
Secondly, according to Wikipedia, Valentine's Day was inadvertently invented by Chaucer, put into overdrive by France's poem-induced "High Court of Love" and then exploited by greeting card sellers in the mid-1800s and later the flower and confectionery industries. While the former two facts are little- known, most people in the U.S. are aware that VD is a purely capitalist invention. So how are we all still guilted into playing along?
Thirdly, why is it in the U.S. that women's liberation suddenly fails on 2/14? How did men get stuck making the romantic gestures, while women only need gussy up and put out? Ladies, it's time to nut up and give men some competition in the romance department.
Fourthly, how is contrived, forced romance a good thing? Growing up I remember a place called "Sybaris" which catered to weekend romantic getaways (esp. around VD). I swear that back in the day there were commercials showing off heart-shaped beds and hot tubs for two. It sounded so contrived to me, as if people couldn't do the work of romance so farmed the labor out to Sybaris. I suppose that in the day of 10-hour workdays and 3-hour commutes it's good to have some help.
Lastly, although I say this at the risk of my crabby cred, I personally espouse random acts of love interspersed throughout the year. I'm not talking about grand gestures. I'm talking holding hands while walking around, or renting the movie you saw on your first date, or take a note from the High Court of Love and write a silly poem.
And for the record, I also espouse random acts of cake frequently interspersed throughout the year.
BTW, I know that this is a Thesaurus example, but I couldn't resist the idea that "allergy" is a near antonym to "love":
1love
noun\ˈləv\
Definition of LOVE
1 a feeling of strong or constant regard for and dedication to someone <her love for her children was truly selfless>
Public Service Announcement for Drivers Everywhere
When you are behind the wheel and waving pedestrians to cross the street, there's one thing you need to know: pedestrians usually cannot see you!!!
These days, your windshields are tinted for privacy and reflective to fight glare. Your side and rear windows are completely opaque. Ladies, gentlemen and others: pedestrians do not have supernatural vision. Ray-Bans do not give them special ocular powers. Wave all you want, but your chances of overcoming the laws of physics are nonexistent.
Please, don't sit for five minutes and get an arm workout trying to convince pedestrians to cross the street. Since the battle of man versus car usually favors the car, smart pedestrians prefer to wait. Just hit the accelerator and go.
Thank you.
opaque
adj\ō-ˈpāk\
Definition of OPAQUE
1
: blocking the passage of radiant energy and especially light :exhibiting opacity (see opacity)
2
a: hard to understand or explain <opaque prose>b:obtuse, thickheaded
